Which is a little crazy, because I am not even a tiny bit the author that Hanya Yanagihara is—maybe in a couple of years. And even then, I doubt I could create characters this diverse and find a way to make them fit so perfectly. To write a great book that breaks you, heals you, and breaks you all over again. You feel every single emotion with this one.
I remember carrying it around and reading it every chance I got. Even in public spaces, where I’d have to pretend I had a cold or look away just to hide my tears from the prying public. But I would rewrite its ending.
And not just the ending—I’d change the title, too. Not because I have a better one in mind, but because it was pulled from one of Jude’s lowest moments. (And I’m sorry if you aren’t familiar with the book. I wish I could turn this into a formal review and give you every detail, but I can’t.)
I’d also not kill Malcolm.
It felt like he was holding Jude together—or trying to. It was unfair to him, to some extent. To be the one to love and never know what to expect. To be the recipient of all of Jude’s traumas and brokenness. To be the anchor in his sister’s life—and to lose her. To carry the heavy, helpless burden of not being able to save the people you love.
But maybe it was okay that he died, and not Jude. Because I would have hated to see and feel through that chapter.
In my ending, they both live. And love. Jude heals and stops waiting for the disappointment that never comes. They love each other so much that Jude finally starts to feel worthy of life. Worthy of everything he has accomplished. And nobody has to worry that every time he locks himself in a room, they’ll find him in a pool of blood.
The thing that broke my heart more than Malcolm’s death was that, somewhere deep down, it always felt like it was only a matter of time till Jude succeeded in taking his own life. And it broke me even more to feel the other characters anticipating it, too. Especially after Malcolm’s death.
It felt like they all knew nothing would save him that time around. That there was no way he was going to recover from that loss.
Maybe it’s just growing up with fairy tales and romance novels, but I think they deserved a happy ending, too.
Everyone does.
NdukuOutLoud 
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