NdukuOutLoud

Why a “Toxic” Relationship Might Be the Catalyst You Needed

When I was first writing Show and Tell yesterday,I was trying to make an uncomfortable case: that toxic relationships—or at least experiencing one or two of them—might actually be a necessity for human growth and self-discovery.

As much as I would like some company in this, I am not trying to justify my past choices. Neither am I trying to victim-blame. Ending relationships is brutally hard, and the psychological forces that keep us in unhealthy dynamics are real, heavy, and complex. The “obvious” solution to leave is rarely the easiest one to take.

But what if a consistently dysfunctional relationship isn’t just a trap? What if it’s an uncomfortably clear mirror?

Decoding the Dynamic

Google defines a toxic relationship as any dynamic—romantic, familial, or professional—that consistently damages your mental, emotional, or physical well-being. Unlike normal relationships that go through temporary rough patches, toxicity is marked by ongoing dysfunction and a lack of safety.

Some very key words here: consistently and ongoing.

We usually point fingers at the “toxic partner.” But if a dynamic is ongoing, a harder question emerges: Why do we stay?

Having a front-row seat to a failing dynamic forces us to look inward. When we’re young, we make mistakes—we’re allowed a few. But the more I look back, the more I realize our choices are rarely random. Even early on, the partners we choose reveal more about us than we’re willing to admit.

There is a pattern. And that pattern speaks volumes—if we are brave enough to examine it.

Asking for Water from an Empty Well

And then after who we chose there is what we expect from them.

We find ourselves repeatedly asking partners for emotional or mental traits they simply cannot provide. At this point, I should probably drop the ‘we’ and own up to my choices. It’s me and my expectations.

But, if someone consistently demonstrates who they are, yet we stay and keep complaining about the exact same issue, it’s time to stop questioning just their behaviour and start questioning our own resilience to disappointment:

• Why are we comfortable with ongoing dissatisfaction?
• Why do we rationalize staying when the environment is consistently draining?
• If we’ve decided certain perks outweigh the dysfunction, why do we keep complaining about the bargain we struck?

The Hidden Payoff

Here is the truth I had to face: my affinity for partners who fear commitment comes from my own fear of it.

Choosing emotionally unavailable partners was my subconscious way of protecting myself. I don’t like being vulnerable. And what better way to guard my heart than by choosing relationships that will never actually demand true intimacy or vulnerability from me?

Something about the dynamic suited me, too. It offered a safe cover story: I’m trying, but they just won’t meet me halfway.

The Catalyst for Growth

A toxic relationship doesn’t guarantee growth. You can spend years in one and only come out bitter. Growth happens at the precise moment you stop looking at the other person as the sole author of your misery and start asking: “What part of me felt at home here?”

Before we label every ex as toxic and move on to the next mirror, it’s worth figuring out what we were secretly getting out of the contract. The dynamic might be painful, but the realization of your own agency is where your freedom begins.

Over to You

When you look back at the dynamics that drained you most, what was the pattern asking you to see about yourself? Have you ever caught yourself choosing a situation specifically because it didn’t demand the things you were afraid to give?