NdukuOutLoud

And maybe you don’t either

“If you loved me, you’d know.”
“My love language is not having to ask.”

These are statements I have thought and said more times than I can count. And I know I am not the only one. It’s a quiet consensus held among girlfriends—that yes, men who love us should simply know how to treat us.

I don’t know if men think this way too; my observation is biased. But as a woman, I can only speak for myself and the conversations I’ve shared with other women. On the surface—and maybe even deeper—it makes complete sense. Someone who loves you should know how to treat you. And not just know, but act accordingly.

But I’ve been sitting with this thought for a while, and I’m starting to feel there is a lot hidden beneath that expectation.

One layer is fear.
Fear of asking. Fear of feeling like a burden. Fear of asking and still not getting what you asked for—because that is a real possibility. Considering how hard it was to ask in the first place, asking and being met with indifference or refusal feels devastating. Maybe that stems from past experiences, or maybe it’s just an insecurity tied to our individual personalities.

But there’s a second, scarier possibility: What if we don’t actually know what we want, either?

What if we are outsourcing our self-awareness to someone who loves us, expecting them to figure us out on our behalf? But how can they know if we don’t? Isn’t that asking for a little too much?

Trust me, asking doesn’t come easily to me either. But staying silent also means never getting what I need. As much as I’d love for someone to know me well enough to read my mind, it ultimately feels like burdening a loved one with a weight that was never theirs to carry.

I’m not saying we have to ask for every little thing—that’s no way to live. But it might be worth understanding why asking feels so damn hard.

If it’s just fear, you’re in luck. You can start small and work your way up to the bigger asks. But if it’s the second reason, it requires a lot more internal work. Even so, I think it’s worth the effort: getting clear on what we want, when we want it, and how—and then having the courage to ask for it.

It also means making space for the reality that we might still get a ‘no.’ But asking is a massive first step, and one I am finally willing to take, because relying on unspoken expectations is becoming exhausting.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “me too,” I hope we figure it out. I hope we are brave enough to look deep within to know what we want, brave enough to ask for it, and resilient enough to make room for disappointment.

I know—it’s a big ask. But nobody said it was going to be easy.

Cheers.