NdukuOutLoud

If you’re anything like me-which I selfishly hope you are, because it’s much nicer to have an audience that nods along in recognition than one cringing and wondering who raised me-you’ve likely found yourself in a “never again” situation.

And, most likely, you’ve been there more than once.

You’ve done the thing you swore you wouldn’t. It feels terrible afterward, yet it made perfect sense while it was happening. This recurring loop is why I started raiding the self-help aisle. I felt like things were getting out of hand; I needed to “get a grip.” But I quickly realized that some patterns require more than a motivational quote or a 5:00 AM wake-up call. It’s hard work-brutal, exhausting work-to constantly fight your own nature in an attempt to become “wiser.”

Lately, though, I’ve been wondering: Do I actually need fixing, or do I just need to accept who I am at the core?

The Myth of the “Lesson”

We are fed a steady diet of karmic logic. They say we get what we deserve. They say a situation will keep repeating itself until the “lesson is learned.”

• The relationship will keep disappointing us until we “learn our worth.”
• We’ll be overlooked for a promotion until we learn to “make noise” or mimic the office politics of people like Joe from Finance, who seems to climb a rung every two years.

We are told to break the cycle. But what if it isn’t a cycle at all? What if we are already getting exactly what we want, but we’re too busy chasing what society says we should want to recognize it?

The Pressure of the “Better” Path

Don’t get me wrong-I am all for shattering glass ceilings and honouring the women who blazed trails before us by aiming high. But I also think it’s okay to simply not want to.

We need to examine if we actually hate our jobs, or if the collective pressure of “quit your 9-to-5 to travel the world” has just made us feel like we chose the wrong path. We feel like failures for staying put, even if staying put is exactly what we need.

The same applies to our personal lives. We say we want a committed relationship-the kind with communication and trust. But communication is hard, and trust is a skill many of us have forgotten how to use. If we aren’t practicing those things, is a “half-assed” partner really the universe’s way of punishing us? Or is it just a reflection of where we actually are?

Right Where We Want to Be

I’m not suggesting that life is always fair, or that we shouldn’t strive for growth. I’m simply asking us to question why we feel so undeserving of our actual lives.

Are we genuinely unhappy, or are we just busy wanting things we don’t even really want?

Maybe the work isn’t about “breaking” a cycle or fixing a flaw. Maybe the work is simply becoming a more conscious editor of our own lives

It’s the difference between growth and performance. If you striving for a promotion, let it be because you want the impact or the pay check—not because you’re terrified of being “the person who didn’t make it.” If working on a relationship, do it because you value the connection, not because you’re terrified of being “the person who failed.”

And growth may mean we stop sprinting toward the finish line society set for us, and start walking toward the one we actually care about. To stop trying to drive a car that everyone else gave you the keys to.

To pick our own destinations.