NdukuOutLoud

I was watching a moving the other day, can’t remember the name, can’t tell how old it was but it had the classic “they met, fell in love.. you get the drift. The twist with this one was, they were left behind by a tour bus in Turkey. And I feel like I have to mention how stunning it was. The landscapes, the architecture, the quiet corners. I hope those places haven’t been gentrified beyond recognition. I’d love to go someday.

Anyway, the couple had to hitchhike and work for places to sleep and food. That meant sharing rooms, often. On one of those nights- the first, I think- they’d just had a fight. The woman offered to sleep on the floor and asked the man to take the bed. He said yes. And slept. She was disappointed and muttered, ” Chivalry is dead.”

And it got me thinking.

We throw the word around a lot- when someone doesn’t hold the door or offer their jacket. So I decided to check it up. Wonder why I never thought to do that before.

Chivalry was a medieval code of conduct for knights. It emphasized:

• Bravery and strength: Courage in battle.
• Honor and justice: Acting with integrity and fairness.
• Courtesy: Respecting others, even opponents.
• Generosity: Being unselfish and liberal.
• Loyalty: To one’s lord, family, and friends.
• Protection of the weak: Defending the poor and vulnerable.

Sounds noble, yes? It was a code for knights. Not universal kindness. It was about power, hierarchy and performance.

I don’t know how it came to mean acts of kindness- if I could call them that- to women. By men. But I have a feeling it has something to do with “protecting the weak”. And doesn’t expecting it mean accepting a weaker position?

And let’s be honest: men don’t expect chivalry from other men. It’s not a mutual code. It’s a generated script. One that subtly reinforces the idea that women need saving, and men do the saving.

Even in modern times, when we say chivalry. It’s still mostly expected from men toward men. Not from everyone toward everyone.

Back to That Bed Scene…..

The woman’s disappointment wasn’t just about the bed. It was about expectation versus reality. She offered kindness, maybe hoping for reciprocity. When he took the bed without hesitation, it felt like a rejection. Which is another discussion altogether.

And maybe we don’t even need chivalry. We need mutual respect, emotional intelligence, and shared responsibility.

Or we could strip the medieval baggage and keep the essence of chivalry. Not as a gendered code, but as human ethic.

• Bravery- Standing up for what’s right.
• Honor- Acting with integrity
• Courtesy- Respecting other’s dignity
• Generosity- Sharing time and empathy
• Loyalty- Being dependable and true.

These aren’t “chivalrous.” They’re just decent. And should be expected from everyone, toward everyone.