NdukuOutLoud

To the ones we crushed. The unfinished ones. And the ones we’re still circling.

What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?

I’m guessing since we’re using past tense here, that the goal was set and achieved? It that is the case, I am afraid I might disappoint. If I’m being honest, this post might be more about the things I started and never finished( that list could take days), or the dreams still sitting on my wish/to-do list (don’t even get me started). Because for a long time, I wasn’t someone who sat down and set goals-maybe that explains my current life situation-haha. But that’s changed recently. And even now, I don’t think I go for the really hard ones- not because I don’t have any, but because I’m still learning to believe I’m capable of them.

And mostly, like many of us mortals, I struggle with fear.

The usual stuff: What if I fail? What if it doesn’t go as planned? What if I actually succeed?

The last one is sneaky. Because if I do succeed, will I be able to live with the fact that it took me so long to even get started?

And there’s the other thing – getting started.

It doesn’t matter how grand or beautiful or life-changing a goal looks on paper. Until you actually begin, it doesn’t mean a thing. I struggle with this reality. I mean, why can’t dreaming it be enough? Why can’t I imagine it and have it magically appear- This will maybe get me into questionable religions.😅

So, I started doing it differently.

If the big goals weren’t getting done, maybe I could try the small ones. The simple stuff that might eventually lead to something bigger. Or not. Because-life. There’s no guarantee that these steps will add up to one grand thing.

But we hope they do. We hope that the workouts, the eating habits, and the journaling build toward something meaningful. Aside from ofcourse making the day to day beautiful and bearable.

And it feels good – getting the simple stuff done. Checking in on friends. Showing up to events. Being a present parent. Not because I expect something in return( still want to be friends forever), but because I want to be a good friend now. To make memories and choices now that will contribute to me raising a decent human being.

Most importantly, I’m learning to be.

The goals change as I grow. They evolve with time, with shifting priorities, with new lessons. They don’t stay the same. Maybe they shouldn’t. Maybe that’s the whole point.

And that’s the hardest part.

Not knowing for sure if what i want now will still matter tomorrow. If I will even want it in a few years.. heck even months.

And maybe that’s my hardest goal. Learning how to recalibrate. To do what needs to be done now, and worry about everything else later. That is life, don’t you think? The messy middle- the still figuring out, starting over, still afraid but showing up.

Because who says we’re done here. Not me. Not yet.