NdukuOutLoud

On Building self-confidence; One small goal at a time.

I wish I was an expert. I wish I could just drop a list of ‘five things to do every day to build self-confidence’ or ‘10 affirmations to say in the mirror.’

I can’t do that. I don’t have those. I only have a few things to say-and even those aren’t from an expert. They’re from someone who is right here, in the middle of trying to build my own.

The crazy part is, I never thought I needed to. It wasn’t something I ever felt I had to work on. Turns out, I just hadn’t looked hard enough. I hadn’t looked keenly enough to notice that I could probably do better if I had a little more faith in myself. My abilities, skills, and judgment.

Sure, I have every right to question my choices. And maybe my judgement is still not as good as it should be. But I’m also allowed a few mistakes here and there… no?

Somewhere during the looking, I started wondering if it had always been this way. Did my parents ever just look at me and think, ‘She really doesn’t believe in herself enough’ or ‘She really needs to learn how to fully embrace who she is?’ I don’t know. Maybe I never will. But I do know that they were-still are-proud of my ability to handle setbacks. To adapt. Mostly because they don’t know that those setbacks sometimes have me staring at my ceiling at 3 A.M. Sometimes I wonder if it’s really adaptability or not knowing and fighting for better.

But self-confidence is a loaded attitude. Like there might never be a day where one can honestly say they are 100% self-confident. And maybe anybody who feels that way falls into the camp of “arrogant and full of themselves.” That a little doubt here and some esteem issues there are what keep us balanced.

Honestly, a world where everybody is completely sure of their abilities and has absolute faith in their skills might not even be a world we’d love to live in.

Does it matter why we want to build it? I don’t know. I should admit: if I hadn’t had a child, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed I needed to work on this. But she makes me want to do better. To be better. For me. For her. For us. Mine didn’t come from anger; it comes from a place of love. And maybe the more personal the aim, the stronger the motivation.

Maybe.

What I do know is that it requires action. That’s why they call it building self-confidence. You’ve got to do stuff.

It starts with knowing your weaknesses and your strengths—and putting a little more effort into knowing the strengths. It is so much easier to highlight our weaknesses; we dwell on them until it takes considerable effort just to acknowledge what we’re actually good at. But that’s the starting line. And sometimes, if we’re lucky, just sitting with our strengths puts us a few steps ahead.

We also need to set goals that are actually achievable. We cannot and should not set ourselves up for failure. In a world that’s maybe rooting against you, you should be the last one to do that to yourself. Because when you set goals you can and will achieve, you start building the character of someone who gets things done. And then you get more done. And more, until there’s little doubt left where your abilities are concerned.

Will there be obstacles? Of course. Things won’t always go as planned. But you have to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as someone worth helping. Be compassionate. If you need to, go back to the small goals you’ve already achieved and remind yourself: I did that, and I can do other things, too.

And last but not least, when you are feeling intense emotions- slow down. Whichever way that looks for you.

I’m still learning. But I’m realizing that building this isn’t about becoming someone else; it’s just about learning to trust the person I already am.