NdukuOutLoud

On the messy art of stitching ourselves back together

I have been thinking about healing as a process of stitching ourselves back together

Stitching, because it is in our hands. Our responsibility. And the idea that we have the ability to do the stitching and that we know what we’re stitching back to is empowering. From the little information I have on stitching, there are patterns. And usually, we start with the end in mind. Then we choose the style we use. That will ensure the outcome is desired. And that it sticks.

But the more I think about it, the more I realise that human stitching is not that simple- doubting if it is even possible.

Because what are we stitching back to? The original pattern? Do we even remember what that was? Does anyone really? We’ve been conditioned, we’ve been hurt, we’ve been learning. So when we face a new challenge, and are putting ourselves back together- what’s the end in aim? The perfect beginning or the pattern just before the new hurt?

Or do we decide to fix little bits at a time? A situation tears us completely apart and then we decide to work on one piece at a time. It becomes like an art project (I wish). Where we decide that we’re working on trust this week—probably years. Then we pick up commitment issues after that. And then on and on until we are happy with what we end up with.

Either one works, I think. Until. Until we are faced with a new situation that challenges the strength of our stitches and how well they can hold together. If at all.

I have been on a healing journey, or so I thought. And then I found myself in a situation that demands a healed self( now I am questioning what that means). And guess what? It feels like it tore my stitching apart at the seams. Like I have been busy doing nothing all along. Like what was the point anyway? If I am going to start the stitching all over again.

Then I started thinking- maybe the stitching I had been doing was wrong, or not suited for the tear in question. Do you think it happens? That sometimes we have a solution that we use to deal with a situation, but that isn’t how we’re supposed to?

I feel like that’s how it is these days. Or maybe I just want to blame somebody else for my bad decision.

If you’ve been online enough lately, you’ve seen that we are now running, and joining book clubs, and journaling, and doing 10k steps every day and listening to motivational videos in the morning. Okay, not we. I was. Because that’s how we heal. No?

Well, no.

With the recent experience- and maybe I will feel different about this in a couple of months- but I am starting to think that healing, or stitching as we have been referring to in this piece, only happens properly when we expose our stitches to pressure. Enough pressure to test the thread, and the pattern. And the suitability.

Like we can’t know if we’re fixing trust issues by avoiding relationships that require trust- which is what I was doing by avoiding relationships altogether. And commitment issues can’t be fixed by committing to a reading habit. Yay, for committing to reading. But nay, finishing a book is not proof that we can commit to a relationship.

While on this topic of mending, I learnt about visible mending- where you don’t hide the tear, you make the patch the part of the art. Like the scar is the design. It sounds poetic, but it really doesn’t make any sense now. When I am smack in the middle of the mess.

Of trying to figure out if I am actually stitching anything at all, or just killing time until the next tear.

Or is not stitching back anyway, also an option?