NdukuOutLoud

On circumstances, values, and the messy business of change.

“Circumstances don’t make the man, they only reveal him to himself.”

Famous words, right? And pretty simple, too. That external events don’t shape our character, they just expose it. Challenges are supposed to act like mirrors, showing us our strengths, weaknesses and values. They don’t create who we are- they only reveal what’s already there.

But then we’re supposed to do something about what we see. A contradiction, I think. One that I find myself circling back to often: if they reveal something I don’t like, and I go ahead and change because of that.. didn’t they make me? Did they not do the very thing that they were not supposed to?

Or is the fact that I am choosing to change the game-changer?

The idea behind the quote, I think, is that circumstances are meant to act only as mirrors. And last I checked, the mirror might be doing it’s job but the eyes that are looking might be cloudy. My values could be skewed, and I see what I want to see. So am I really seeing what’s being revealed, or just confirming what I already believe about myself?

If you can’t tell by now. I have been spending a considerable amount of time in the self-development aisle of the library, trying to define and re-define my values. And honestly, one of the hardest parts is figuring out what I already hold- and whether or not they are “good enough.”

And worse still, constantly wondering if the new values will fit.

Sure, there are standard, “good” ones we all admire : values that build, not break; that give space for others to be themselves. But can I embody new values on an old character? Or does changing values mean changing character too, so they match? Is that the whole point?

And who wants to do all that, anyway?

I know I don’t. I mean, I do. But I don’t.

That part feels heavy. Because what I am now… works. Somehow. Sometimes. But changing relies very heavily on hope. Hope that what we become will be better. But what if it isn’t? What if we’re fixing what’s not broken and making a mess instead?

Still, it’s human to want to live up to an ideal. To aim for the best version of ourselves. Maybe the revealing, changing, and developing does create “new people.” Maybe that’s the whole point.

But what does it even mean to be a new person?

At this stage, it’s starting to feel like I should just switch aisle and pick up a violent, thousand-page fantasy novel. It feels easier than wrestling with mirrors and values.

Sure, circumstances are mirrors, not sculptors. But mirrors only matter if we’re willing to look — and to act on what we see.